Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
