he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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