Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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