My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
