So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
