im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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