never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
