i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
