there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
