Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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