Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
where are my eyebrows?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
