Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Terrible idea I love it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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