No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
