well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
