he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
