My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
