if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
