I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.