I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
