based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
