I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
