I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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