I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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