I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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