Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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