Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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