How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
