he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
