this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
