We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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