Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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