her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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