There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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