Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
