if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
did you just send me my own nude
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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