yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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