I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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