it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
