My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
