Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
