At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
