Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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