Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Randomize
