I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
