You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
