just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
