I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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