I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
