When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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