Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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