i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
