I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
