Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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