Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
