I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
