Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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