I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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