Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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