I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
